Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
