Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
