My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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