Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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