So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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