drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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