I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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