And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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