Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
