Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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