I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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