so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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