I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
