what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
