last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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