Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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