So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
