I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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