you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
