Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
