I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just gift wrapped bread.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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