The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i wish my penis had a tongue
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
