If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
being pregnant is like rehab
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
