Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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