The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
