absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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