i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Of course I have a pirate flag
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
false alarm, still single
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