I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
