Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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