Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
