Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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