As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
