It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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