you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
