She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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