After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
