I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
