yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
sex in a hospital.. check
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
