just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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