im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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