What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
