After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
