If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
