You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
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Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
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Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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