dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
