I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
