dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
