I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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