I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
