nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
