Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
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I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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