Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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