Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
