I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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