My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
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Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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