Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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