Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
